


promise you'll stand by me forever

by jamesniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mention of Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 10:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3688728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesniall/pseuds/jamesniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn and Niall say goodbye, in their own way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	promise you'll stand by me forever

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know what this is it just.....happened.
> 
> *a small trigger warning for puking*

Niall feels a bit overwhelmed. Not the good, heart lifting and overwhelming feeling he gets on stage, when there are thousand lights and eyes on him yet he still feels at ease, with his guitar, the band and his boys to rock it out another night, no, this time it's not like that. This time it's a weird and uneasy overwhelming feeling that has him biting his nails raw until he tastes blood, his knee's jiggling incessantly and he reaches his left shoulder with his right arm to scratch himself yet another time.

He feels itchy, uncomfortable, almost like he has to run away to keep himself somewhat sane. It's conflicting, feeling like he has all the anxious energy to run a marathon and get as far away from this room and the band meeting as possible, yet he feels glued to his spot in Zayn's bed, feels like his legs would give out under him if he even tried to move away.

Zayn is looking at him now, concerned and soft and so so beautiful, he blinks at Niall, a silent question written in his glazed eyes, Niall nods at him, readjusts his legs so both of them are touching the ground and his bum is in the edge of the bed, he's bracing himself for bad news, a tiny part of him knows where this is going, Zayn's posture gives away how scared he is, the constant picking at his hair and at his jeans show just how much he's trying to drag this out, yet his eyes- Niall can see in his eyes how determined he is, how his mind is already set on whatever decision he discussed with management when he excused himself after the concert, and Niall knows it's not good, it won't be good.

Louis sighs beside him, he's sitting on the floor by Niall's feet, Niall has caught him multiple times trying to untie his shoes, he'd laugh it off, if this was any other situation, he'd laugh it off, shove him away playfully and try to do the same at him but letting Louis win all the same. Right now though, he knows this is Louis trying to cope with how tense the air is around them, trying to give them some kind of normality while Zayn inhales and exhales deeply once again.

"Mate," Louis starts, "Z, I- I don't know why you got us all here, after a long and tiring show, to make us hear your loud breathing as Liam pretends he's texting, Harry pretends there's something interesting out of that window and Niall eats half of his hand off," he says, pointing at each boy as he talks, "I don't want to be an arse but my arse is getting numb after sitting here staring at you lot."

Zayn nods, straights himself on the small sofa he's sitting in and takes a breath, "Sorry," he says, even if he speaks softly Niall hears the cracking in his voice, it makes him wince, "Lou's right, I'm sorry for keeping you all hoarded here, I just-" he breaks off with a sigh, shakes his head and runs both of his hands through his hair, "I don't know how to break it up to you guys without getting dramatic."

"Zayn, mate, whatever it is, know we got your back, no hard feelings between us, never. Right boys?" Liam asks, he looks so calm and confident Niall thinks, he's not always the voice of reason, but he's always the one who brings them back to their feet, strong and hopeful and so Liam-like it makes Niall want to stand up and hug him, just because.

"Thanks Li. Well, okay I, I was talking to Simon and some people, right? Because I, I'm not enjoying this anymore and it sucks because it feels like I'm holding you guys back and I- I think I need time off, I need to get away from this, all of this." 

Harry clears his throat from his place beside the window and says, "I don't understand," he shakes his head and Zayn turns to look at him, "are you taking a break? Because we can do that," he offers, looking at Niall, Liam and Louis, the last two nod back at him, Niall has his eyes set on the floor, trying to take slow and even breaths. "We could finish this leg of the tour, the four of us so you rest a bit and when we get to London we start on the album and-" Harry cuts himself off harshly, almost with a gasp, it makes Niall look up at him, makes bile rise up in his throat when he finds Harry's eyes wide, cheeks pale, looking at Zayn like he's grown another arm when he's just simply shaking his head, looking sadly and remorseful at Harry.

"Haz I wouldn't-"

"No-"

"-I'm not coming back."

Niall's world stops for a solid minute, he feels dizzy, wonders for a second if the room is blurry because of his teary eyes or because this is just a dream, a nightmare more like, and he's close to waking up again, waking up in his fluffy pillows and warm blankets with Zayn's body pressed flush to his, the calming and constant puff of his breathing hitting his neck. But when he opens his eyes he only sees Zayn's stormy eyes set on Louis', the older boy is standing in front of Zayn, a pointy finger on his chest and a million and one questions spitting out of his mouth. 

It's too much all at once and he clamps a hand to his mouth and runs to the toilet, knees cracking painfully under him as he tumbles to the floor and starts retching, emptying his stomach from the snack he had before the show and the half arsed meal he had afterwards. He pukes until he feels like his lungs are coming out too, his breathing harsh and painful and all over the place as he tries to regain some calm and breath, the last thing they need right now is a panic attack. Is until then that he notices the banging on the bathroom's door, Zayn's desperate cries calling out Niall's name and Liam and Harry trying to get him to open the door. He stands on shaky legs, his stomach still doing somersaults inside him but he manages to open the door before his legs give out under him.

Zayn catches him on time, carrying him back to bed easily and gently, shushing his whimpers and kissing his head. When he's lowered on the bed he scoots to the end of it, facing away from his band mates and boyfriend as he tries to calm down, he hates how all the attention is on him now, makes him feel crowded but also selfish, this was about Zayn, not him, Zayn didn't want it to be dramatic, and here he is.

"Ni," there's a hand on his back, Harry's, rubbing small circles near the bottom of his spine, "we'll be over next door, yeah? Li and I, you know where to find us." He kisses the side of his head as Niall sniffles, "see you tomorrow, babes, you'll be okay." Liam messes up his hair and he feels the bed moving behind him, "love you, Nialler," it's Liam this time, he rubs his arms up and down and then squeezes his hand.

Niall hears them whispering by the door of their room, barely listens the faint murmur of Liam's concerned voice and Harry's sad drawl. He closes his eyes when the door falls shut, closes them even tighter as he hears Zayn's slow footsteps getting closer to the bed until Niall can feel when it moves under Zayn's weight.

"Babes," Zayn whispers, Niall can feel Zayn's bony knees pressing slightly on his back before he rolls over and wraps his arms around Niall, body pressed flush behind Niall's, "are you alright?"

"Are you quitting?" Niall asks instead, voice hoarse and quiet, "Are you leaving the band?"

"Ni, you know this doesn't change anything, right? I still love you-"

"Are you?" Niall presses, he turns on his side, looking up at Zayn's face. He can see, and if he could, count all of his eyelashes, Zayn's eyes look down and lock with Niall's blue ones and Niall reaches out a hand to stroke Zayn's cheekbones gently, calloused and warm fingertips caressing down Zayn's scruff until he reaches his lips, soft looking and so so inviting. For Niall, Zayn looks beautiful from every angle and he always tells Zayn so, loves to watch the very faint blush that covers his cheeks when Niall compliments him, loves putting that shy and reserved smile Zayn has for him. But right now Niall doesn't have the energy, he's afraid of saying too much, afraid that if he opens his mouth something like _you're so fucking beautiful, you always look so beautiful, always make me feel so safe, what the hell will i do without you, please please please stay._  He doesn't want to start crying, doesn't want Zayn to feel bad over a decision he needed to take, for himself, for his well-being. Niall has to respect it, as much as it makes him ache inside.

"I am" Zayn replies a while after, closing his eyes and putting his hand on top of Niall's, squeezing and moving it so he can press little, wet kisses all over his knuckles, "this is not for me anymore, stopped feeling right a while ago but I wanted to keep trying, for you, for the lads, for the fans, but. But I'm not happy, and it took me a while to let myself accept it and do something about it."

Niall feels his heart clenching, his eyes fill up with tears but he doesn't let them fall. He imagines it must be as hard for Zayn as it is for him, if not more, in a different way. Niall always feels his heart full of life and adrenaline and pure excitement when they have a show, feels nothing but an exhilarating rush of joy every time he's out there on stage, with his mates and his guitar, but somewhere along the way that changed for Zayn, and Niall cannot imagine how terrible not feeling that must be, how exhausting, to fake happiness for the sake of others, to feel done and tired and unattached in a stadium packed of people chanting your name.

"I know you can't quite grasp it, Ni," Zayn continues, "and that's okay. You're the life of this band, you're meant to be out there, smashing it, I love seeing you rocking it out every night in a row, I'm so proud of you." _Then stay,_ Niall screams in his mind,  _stay and watch me keep doing it, with you by my side._ "It's not my thing anymore, I have to do this for myself this time."

"I love you," is what Niall says in reply, "I love you, and you haven't left but I already feel how hard it will be to not have you with me." He chokes out his words, trying to even out his breathing, squeezing Zayn's hips until he knows his knuckles are white, "and I respect your choice. I do, I fucking do, but, I-, I'll miss you so much." Niall sniffles, he hides his face in the expanse of Zayn's chest and does what Zayn is whispering him to do, he breathes. He breathes and Zayn's cologne and aftershave is all he can smell, it never fails to calm him down, he breathes in Zayn's scent and his mind goes back to that morning, when he woke up sweaty and sleepy on top of Zayn's chest, he remembers joining Zayn in the shower after breakfast, remembers letting Zayn wash his hair as he not-so-seriously scrubbed Zayn's chest and arms with soap, giggling more than actually showering. He remembers sitting with his back pressed against Zayn's legs in the balcony while Zayn smoked and Niall tuned his guitar and mumbled out lyrics of whatever song came to his mind. He remembers after the show, how Zayn hugged him more tightly than usual before his set up Skype call with Simon, he remembers Zayn's wobbly smile when he told him the other lads where coming over to their room for a "small" band meeting, and now they are here. Niall's small shoulders shaking as Zayn reassures him with gentle and loving words that he'll be okay, that they'll keep smashing it, Zayn won't take their talent away with him, they'll go on and Zayn will always feel the proudest person in the universe.

There's Skype, and Twitter and Facebook, they have a two month break in just a couple weeks and slowly Niall starts to realize that, yeah, this isn't the end, One Direction is far from over. Zayn is not dead, Zayn is not breaking up with him, none of them had a fall out, Zayn is not leaving because of a fight between them, this is just the best for him. "Just remember that I'm always a text away. When you go to America, or Australia or wherever else, if you're not with me, I will always be a call away," Zayn says, putting a bit more of space between them so he can reach out and wipe away Niall's tears, "I'm still yours, you're still mine, that's not changing." 

"Just, kiss me. Z, please, kiss me." And Zayn does just that. 

 

 

It's about four in the morning when Zayn's phone buzzes from the bedside table. They're both still awake, breathless and sweaty after a slow round of love-making, none of them wanting to spend a second without the other pressed to their side, not wanting to miss a single breath without the other.

"It's Simon. My flight is confirmed for six a.m." Zayn sighs. 

"That's in two hours." Niall says through a loud yawn. He's tired, terribly so, but he doesn't want to let go of Zayn just yet.

"Yeah, babe, that's in two hours."

"Do you- You look sleepy, do you want to sleep a bit before you- before you have to go?"

Zayn nods, they're so so close that Zayn's hair tickles Niall's nose and forehead when he moves his head, "will be less than an hour but I reckon I could use some sleep."

Niall looks at him for a moment, smiling crookedly and lifting up a hand to gently close Zayn's eyelids. Zayn kisses him before Niall can move away too much, it's rough with a hint of desperation that Niall feels in his bones. Surprisingly so, it doesn't feel like a goodbye,  _because it's not_ Niall reminds himself, it feels more like an  _I love you,_ like a  _take care,_ painfully, Niall feels it like a  _don't forget me._ _  
_

"I'll see you soon," Zayn says, breathing heavily against Niall's lips, "You'll be back home in no time, and I'll be right there, always,  _always_ waiting for you."

 

 

They'll see each other in just a few weeks, and even after that, they'll be alright.

 

 


End file.
